So, the past few weeks something has been bouncing around in my spirit. The idea of "victory" and "defeat". As a Christian, I have been programmed to believe that " we have the victory". That's all well and good, but I haven't been feeling victorious every time I leave my church or my spiritual family. I've been feeling defeated. I've been wondering why have I been feeling ashamed. I'm not ashamed to be a Christian. I'm not ashamed to be a black male. I'm not ashamed of where I've come from, or where I'm going.
I don't know if I have the words. It's like I've been seeing things wrong. It's been a part of my maturation that I've been coming to these realizations of how wrong I have been.
For example, there has always been love with my church family. However, I've had a skeptic's mind. Is it REALLY love? No matter how much love and support they have thrown my way, or my family's way, I have been like," cool, but keep your distance."
It's not just something that I've been doing with my church family, but I've been this way with a lot of people.
Without it being super spiritual, I've also been thinking about in context of being a black man in America. The historical context being what it is. I've been questioning myself, " Why is every discussion about blacks seem so negative?" Why do is it that every time the discussion surrounds black people it's about misery, suffrage, the struggle, or hatred of/from other people?
It's like what god has been saying to me has finally sunk into my thick skull. It's the thing that Christians have been saying all along. "Rome, you are VICTORIOUS." It's not a "you're going to get rich next week" or " you're going to find your wife tomorrow" type of thing. It's realizing that you are in favor.
When you realize that you're in favor, that you have been blessed, some of the stuff caused conflict and turmoil for you ends up seeming stupid. Something as big as race ends up seeming generally stupid.
I don't know what all this means, but I'm just trying to follow God at this point.