Am I valuable?

     Occasionally, the thought crosses my mind,” Am I valuable?” Do I make a difference? It’s not a suicidal thought.  It’s not a thought where I want to kill myself, because I’m miserable and suffering. It’s “a wonderful life” thought. You know the movie. If I wasn’t born, then… Would everyone’s live be different? Would their lives be BETTER? I don’t know that there is a legit answer to that thought process.    

    Here’s the answer that I tell myself: Am I valuable? Yes. I am valuable, because I am me. I’m a lot of things. I bring a lot to the table. Sometimes, It’s a physical presence. Sometimes, It’s mental equity. Sometimes, I’m valuable, because I could help an old lady cross the street. Sometimes, a friend needs a different perspective on his/her relationship to make the best decision.

    There’s something that my mom like to implore on me when she thinks that I don’t listen to her. She likes to talk about how she has 23 years of more experience living than I do. I find myself appreciating that, but I also must remind her that I’m not living her life. We’re different people with different experiences.

    I think four siblings. We’re all different. We do different things. We gravitate in different circles. When we come together, you see those differences, but you also see similarities. Those similarities aren’t just a product of parents, but they are a product of us learning from each other and exchanging ideas, information, and knowledge with each other.   

    Sometimes, it’s easy to forget ourselves. It’s easy to get caught up in what other’s bring to you. You forget that you bring something to the table as well. Your mere presence changes the dynamics in the room. Even the fly on the wall leaves a mark.

The Competitor

I grew up in competition. I play sports all year.  As a kid, I was playing organized sports. It was football, baseball, and basketball. One would lead into the other. I was playing your typical childhood games of tag, kickball, and free-for-all( or freefrog). I was even playing games like chess against my mom and other adults. I have stories of being up through the night playing poker with friends for five dollars. I was a competitor, that competitor is still in me, and I lost more than I care to share. It was always fun. It was always respectful. There was always something “other” keeping me in that space. I wasn’t someone who took pride in beating someone else.

I grew up on comparing dick sizes and how many girls we fucked. I grew up on the idea of making money at all cost. We’d compared who had the most expensive shoes and jewelry. We were admiring the kids who had the newest Jordan shoes and making fun of the kids with dirty and generic clothes.

What happened is that there were times where I would win. There were times where I’d lose. I’m thinking about me being that competitor. I was making ever effort to destroy someone else in competition. I would take pride in watching other kids getting yelled at by coaches, because I beat him in competition. I never wanted to be the kid with the dirty clothes

 As a man approaching his mid-30s, I’m thinking about competition. I’m thinking about watching debates that people are having about hip hop being horrible for society.  In these debates, no one ever says that these artists are in constant competition with each other. It’s about what it glorifies or marginalizes.

We live in a world where there is a three year campaign taking a two scandals. There was no precedent.  The reality is that this is competition. It’s as much strategy as it is about what is right and wrong. People are more interested in winning than they’re about the right and wrong. We have a three year email scandal that is followed by a three plus year Russia Interference scandal.

What is getting lost in all of it? Nothing is really getting done. Every statistic relevant to the economy has shown the same trajectory since 2010. As we go further, we continue to push “winning” over

Victory and Defeat.

So, the past few weeks something has been bouncing around in my spirit. The idea of "victory" and "defeat". As a Christian, I have been programmed to believe that " we have the victory". That's all well and good, but I haven't been feeling victorious every time I leave my church or my spiritual family. I've been feeling defeated. I've been wondering why have I been feeling ashamed. I'm not ashamed to be a Christian. I'm not ashamed to be a black male. I'm not ashamed of where I've come from, or where I'm going.

I don't know if I have the words. It's like I've been seeing things wrong. It's been a part of my maturation that I've been coming to these realizations of how wrong I have been.

For example, there has always been love with my church family. However, I've had a skeptic's mind. Is it REALLY love? No matter how much love and support they have thrown my way, or my family's way, I have been like," cool, but keep your distance."

It's not just something that I've been doing with my church family, but I've been this way with a lot of people.

Without it being super spiritual, I've also been thinking about in context of being a black man in America. The historical context being what it is. I've been questioning myself, " Why is every discussion about blacks seem so negative?" Why do is it that every time the discussion surrounds black people it's about misery, suffrage, the struggle, or hatred of/from other people?

It's like what god has been saying to me has finally sunk into my thick skull. It's the thing that Christians have been saying all along. "Rome, you are VICTORIOUS." It's not a "you're going to get rich next week" or " you're going to find your wife tomorrow" type of thing. It's realizing that you are in favor.

When you realize that you're in favor, that you have been blessed, some of the stuff caused conflict and turmoil for you ends up seeming stupid. Something as big as race ends up seeming generally stupid.

I don't know what all this means, but I'm just trying to follow God at this point.

The Potential of McKeesport

I've been paying attention to a lot of politics as of this past couple years. I have watched what has been said in the traditional media. I've also have been listening to what has been said on social media amongst many friends. No matter how you feel about certain politician, you have to be able to look away from screens and into the world around you.
For me, that has always seemed difficult. Sometimes, it's a matter of family. Sometimes, it's a matter of skin color. Sometimes, it's a matter of community. With all the difficulties, it is often hard to see the good. That could be how crazy your family is, how often the image of you as a black male takes a hit for the foolishness of another, or how downtrodden your neighborhood has become.
Lately, I find myself trying to think about positives. I'm thinking about the positives of my family, skin color, and community. I'm not going to get into details about family or skin color for a variety of reasons.
 I think people always take pride in their communities( I'm no exception in that sense). For me, that is McKeesport; hence the title. Right now, my hometown is struggling. My grandmother's house sits on a block with four families on it. That's a block, I'm going by address numbers, with 20 plots of land. When I was growing up, there was a solid dozen families on the block.
 I don't mean for it to be negative, because I'm not thinking about it that way( not trying to think that way). Instead, I'm thinking about how those houses can be turned into beautiful home for beautiful families. I'm thinking about how the massive plot of land next to the Rite Aid in Christy Park can be a big entertainment studio with the potential for two shopping centers being within walking distance. I'm thinking about how the former Corner Pocket can be turned a soul food restaurant.
I haven't even begun to think about actually downtown McKeesport. Downtown has such potential for businesses and industry, which would include all the different types of jobs and people to fill those roles. I think McKeesport has people with the potential. Being one of those people, I don't know that we believe in ourselves or each other.
I don't know. I'm just at the point where I don't think it's going to come from any government. We as the people have start putting our heads together to build these communities like McKeesport. That also means that we start trusting ourselves/each other to do right and do good. That's the problem no matter the level which you speak.

Who To Vote for President?

We have to be accountable for our actions. As we throw around terms like "corrupt" and "racist" and "bigot" and "reckless" in our politics, we do ourselves a disservice. my thing is this. What mentality do you want our government to have? Is it a bunker mentality where we look any islamic as an enemy combatant? Is it the little boy who lost his family because of a civil war?

How do you approach this? I don't think any of the parties have the right answers. I would be willing to listen to Trump's economic plan, but his national security is based on mythology and isn't pragmatic to the ever changing demographic.

Saying that I'm voting for Hillary would sound nice, but what am I voting for? Am I voting for 30,000 missing emails? Am I voting for the Clinton Foundation mysteries? Or Am I voting for someone who has been fighting for women's rights since the 70's?

Two events creep into my mind.

1 Occupy Wall Street. 2011 when Romney had his 47% fiasco. That's not what bothered me. What bothered me was Newt Gingrich said something along the lines of "they should go home, get a shower, and get a job." He was talking about these people who is saying that something is wrong here, the system is broken.

2. A couple years later, We have the Black Lives Matter movement, We see these deaths of Trayvon Martin, Tamir Rice, and Michael Brown. I know people think the issue is with police. From my perspective, it is a movement that is saying, "THE SYSTEM IS BROKEN."

Without digging too much into the weeds of policy, I'm looking at these candidates and trying to figure out who is fighting for who?

The Death of Chivalry

So a Facebook friend, of the female persuasion, shared a article about chivalry. The article was another writing of men no longer being chivalrous. I read the full article and let it sink in. This idea that chivalry is dead. No man is opening doors. No man is paying for dates. No man is buying flowers. So on and So on. Men need to step their games up. Where are all the "good" guys at? Right? We need to accept that chivalry is dead.
Here's my thing. Chivalry isn't dead. Is it what it use to be? No. As a man, I feel a bit put down by the notion that my version of chivalry isn't equivalent to the Old-School 16th century knight in shining armor. There's nothing wrong with expectations, and men should be gentlemanly when possible. There are some things that should be expected, but those are generally in confrontational moments, such as domestic abuse and such.
However. the presentation of the old school gentleman, even of 50 years ago, is unrealistic to the modern man. We're not living in the times of of previous generations. If you compare how many women were trying to have careers now compared to 50 years ago, that would say a lot. How was men valued then compared to now?
I want to be clear. I do NOT want to change the modern woman. I love this woman. She can be feminist, fierce, and independent. I would love her for it, but those qualities mean men have to adjust to these new women. Men can't strive to be the same strong manly guy. Those guys aren't respect like they were in their times.
The idea of chivalry is nice. The idea of a modern woman forces men to make subconscious changes to the idea of being men and therefore being chivalrous.

Thinking Positive

An issue came up with work that made me realize that I think very negatively. If I was going to tell a lovely lady how great of guy I am(in theory), I precede the flattering stuff with negative stuff to temper expectations. As I think through my next steps with the customer, I start  to think about how my comments, actions, and general energy. I realize that I beat myself a lot.
I'm sure that everyone goes through the negative stints. I'm not trying make my life seem awful, because it's not. I have this friend. A female. We were discussing romance and accessing each other. She made an interest and perplexing, which I thought at the time, observation about me. She asked me,"Are you a masochist?" The answer to that question remains the same(NO!). The idea baffled me. Now that I get it, I'm thinking about how I think  about things. It's not just romance and all that mushy stuff. Bleh! and Eh! This isn't The Notebook.
A week or so ago, there was this Facebook trend among my "Facebook friends" going(I'm so McKeesport...). Generally, I would have been one of those people ignoring it or saying"WTF" to it. Surprisingly, I got my few posts in the mix. Anyone who knows about the area knows how tough and depressing the area has become. Some McKeesport natives even had their "I'm so NOT McKeesport" quips in. For once, I wasn't thinking about the abandoned houses and gunfire rather than summer lunches and the old hangout spots. Good times.
For once, I was able to take a step back an appreciate actual good times in "Da Hood".  I realize how great my people(friends and family)  are. I actually recognize the love and support even when people are yelling at each other. We support each other.
So with being said, I need to make a promise to myself. No more negativity. No more trying to couch good days, smiles, and general happy moments or expectations.